Just (Don’t) Say No

(Blog from last Friday night)

I am a very patient person…usually. After sitting and waiting around for doctors for almost two full days this week, my patience was wearing pretty thin about 5:00pm this afternoon, at which point my lab orders seemed to be lost in cyberspace somewhere…thankfully a late-working nurse saved the day. I survived another round of appointments!


On Tuesday I met with my Gynecologist Oncologist for the second time. I had been dreading the appointment since last November when I scheduled it, and actually called and cancelled my originally scheduled screening in June. I didn’t feel like I could cancel again, so Tuesday we headed to Durham.

I am not sure that I ever blogged about that November appointment, but I was probably more upset then than I ever was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Basically the doctor told me I should be thankful for the three kids I had and I needed to get my ovaries out ASAP…in other words, no more babies, and surgery right away.

My primary oncologist had told me I could wait until I was 40 or until I was done having kids, so I was surprised and upset when the doctor tried to sign me up for surgery that November day. I tried to argue with him about things I had read about why I might not need to have surgery immediately — to no avail. He insisted. I cried, he left the room, the nurse felt bad for me, I cried some more….bottom line, these doctors don’t sugar coat, and life goes on. I didn’t schedule the surgery though. Scare tactics don’t work on me. Or they didn’t that day. It is possible that the stubborn side of me only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear and was not open to any other idea or possibility, even at the urging of the chief of the gynecology department. 🙂

On Tuesday the doctor told me that he distinctly remembered that appointment 6+ months ago and he remembered thinking I would never come back to see him (he doesn’t know what a rule-follower I am!).  He also apologized for his bedside manner that day. As we talked through the topic once again on Tuesday, we determined that whether or not I actually want more children is neither here nor there…what I DO know is that I want it to be MY decision. Not his.

I know that may not be logical and it may be selfish, as I watch close friends struggle with infertility…with no say so at all in how many kids they can have. (Pray for big things to happen for them soon, btw)!!!  But that is how I felt.  So out of control over everything with my body for the past couple of years, that I just wanted to make SOME decision on my own!

At any rate, I told him that I didn’t like people telling me no, and, to appease me, he told me okay then, have as many children as you want…and he would still be there to treat me if things went downhill in the meantime.  Not sure Brandon wanted to hear that. 😉 But it really did (illogically) make me feel better. I still didn’t schedule the surgery, but strangely enough I do feel more at peace with the idea of it now. You can continue to pray for me as I make that decision!

Evidently studies do not definitively link natural pregnancy to to developing ovarian cancer in women with the BRCA1 gene, but rather, having the ovaries in my body increases the risk.  So.

On one hand, I think the kids would love to have a baby around!

The girls with Luke and Whitney’s newest addition, Lily Brooke – born July 4!

On the other hand, Wade is pretty much potty trained and I do enjoy sleeping through the night. 🙂

I guess I will just have to rely on other people’s children for my baby fixes!


About Candace

Stay at home mom of three small kids (3, 2, and almost 1) -- about to embark on the biggest journey of my life.
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One Response to Just (Don’t) Say No

  1. Pingback: “No-Fear” aka “Fear of No” | She Laughs Without Fear of the Future

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